I Feel

I feel extremely helpless, hopeless and gone. For the past few months, years actually, I have been consistently making great efforts toward the light of self-actualization and in what do I envision myself in the future. And for these past few months, years even, I have consistently and constantly failed. I am lost in the depths of the murkiest water, stranded in the sea of constant confusion and chained to the poles of permanent mediocrity. I am lost. And I want to be found. I cannot bare to live knowing that everyday is a losing battle and that I have to wake up to the constant slap of reality that I am a failure in the making.
I feel extremely used and taken for granted. For the past few months, or for moreover a year, I have constantly tried to be the best that I could possibly be for a group of people who never really cared nor appreciated me. I am tired of pleading. I am tired of begging. I am tired of asking for the same thing every single day. I am tired of repeating myself every single day, begging for your attention and respect. I am tired of being sick and restless because I was up most nights, thinking and burning my brains out just for everything to work out.
I am tired of all of you. I am tired of every single piece of shit that reminds me of you. Fuck you for being so important that I have degraded myself, sacrificed my self, is willing to go to certain extents just to fix and  make sure that everything is working out for you. I am tired. So tired.
To life and you, I just want to say that I feel too.
Stop messing with everything that’s going right. Stop ruining my already messed up life. I feel too, so stop making it a point that it’s always about you. That I get to be hurt because everything that you think is important is you. Stop making me feel that I’ve never done anything right and that I never will, because I feel too.
All I wanted to be is to be happy like you. All I ever wanted to be is to feel happy like you do. For all I feel is the negativity that you throw and bestow unto me. That I would always be the mistake and the mediocrity I have grown to be.
I just wanted to feel.
Because all along, when I thought that I felt, I never did.
Photo Rights: Vincent Tenazas
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Under The Influence

A night of someone’s happiness and celebration. All of us filled with thrill and excitement.

Then it happened.

That simple gesture.

I know I don’t have the right to feel this way, but I did anyway. It felt so real.

Him, hugging me from behind, it was something that I dreamed of for years.

His comfort, his love.

Knowing that he smiled, it was all that made my knees go jelly.

Knowing that it was me, out of all the rest, gave me the fantasy that maybe it is still me.

But, being the naive person that I am, of course I assumed. I believed. I thought it was true.

A gesture done out of the influence.

Fuck everything. Fuck feelings. Fuck gesture.

Why. Why do I still feel those butterflies whenever I see you. Your smile. Your eyes. Everything.

You told me you were happy. Happy that you made me happy. Fuck you. I hate you.

Because after all these years, all the pain and hurting, all those sleepless heart-aching nights, I still feel this way towards you.

You who never even considered looking back at me.

You whom I still love.

Fuck you.

I love you, you silly fucked up bastard.

But no matter what I do, I will always look the same to you.

I will always be, will only be, your best friend.

I can only sigh.

I was happy. To have taken care of you.

Maybe you being under the influence had its advantages.

I wouldn’t have been with you if it weren’t for that.

I hate you ’cause after all these years, the fucking butterflies won’t die.

Even if it was just you being under the influence.

Anime Analysis: Clannad + Clannad: After Story

BLAZE ANALYZED

Clannad is a complex show. On the surface, it’s a typical high school drama/romance with a hint of supernatural elements. As such, it also follows a pretty simple harem formula: a main protagonist surrounds himself with beautiful girls who each have problems that he attempts to resolve, as well as possibly some girls falling for him in the process. Shows like Bakemonogatari have deviated from this typical harem formula with its own unique brand of comedy and whip-smart dialogue, and Clannad is no exception.

clannad

Hopefully through this analysis of both Clannad and it’s sequel, Clannad: After Story, you may get a better understanding of all the little nuances and layers the show packs on, leading you on a journey that’s as transcendently beautiful as it is heartbreaking.

Note: The following analysis contains a heavy amount of spoilers for Clannad and Clannad: After Story, so proceed with caution. If you have…

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K-INDIE MIXTAPE: VOL 01 [Acoustic from Korea]

KIndie Mixtape. ♥

New Houses

Inspired by my lovely Mexican friend and her lovely mixtape for Pachinko Overdrive(if you haven’t download it yet, you should!), Cipa, I’ve decided to make my own #kindie mixtape too. Because she already did a great job at choosing the best Korean indie-pop songs for her mixtape, I’m going to do it differently.

Since I’m a biggest fan of acoustic music to begin with, so this time I’m making an acoustic #kindie mixtape. While mixing the songs, I wonder how Korean indie bands did that, you know, creating such awesomeness in music with something that sounds so simple.

To be honest, I had a really tough time choosing the songs but after a looooong consideration, this is my final track list for the mix. Let me know if you guys enjoy it, I might make another one some other time 😉


K-INDIE MIXTAPE: VOL 1 [Acoustic…

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